Two Shifts That Have Led To My Biggest Win in Creating Time For Friendship

“How can I carve out time with friends?”

Why is the question that is most appealing to solve, the one that is hardest to answer?

I know that time is on short supply for all women. We all juggle multiple roles and a myriad of responsibilities in every season of life.

Right now, I’m navigating life with my teens/tweens (who have their own social calendars/extracurriculars and no drivers’ licenses), a full time job, managing my home, and working on my dream job in my spare time (aka – this website and everything behind it).

In addition to that, I have a marriage that I want to see thrive and a church that I want to be active in. I have family members that I want to keep in touch with. I have hobbies that I want to cultivate.

All of my friends are keeping their own plates constantly spinning as well. By the time we both compare work schedules, travel plans, practice schedules for our kids, family commitments, etc, we are often looking at an open evening 2 months away!

In the midst of all of this, I know I need people – good people – my friends. Women who know me and care enough about me to ask the tough questions, to be agents of truth and grace in my life. Women who sharpen me and challenge me. Women who laugh with me and pray with me. Women who care about my husband and my kids and allow me to peek behind the curtain into their own lives as well. These friends who aren’t just an item on my to-do list, but people who I deeply desire to spend quality time with and to do life with.

So why is it so hard to get a date on the calendar to hang out?

Two mistakes I was making when it came time to schedule time with my friends:

#1. I viewed time with friends as a treat

This one is tricky, because it goes without saying that time with friends is, in fact, very much so, a treat.

But when there are million responsibilities piling up, it feels self-indulgent to say yes to treats.

It feels irresponsible to leave the family on their own for a bit, to leave the dishes in the sink, to fill the gas tank up just for a little treat for yourself.

#2. Most of my time with friends also included spending money

Meeting for coffee, dinner, drinks, dessert are all fine and good – and let’s be honest – lots of fun! But, often, when money was tight, or we were saving towards shared goals, it made it hard to justify these additional expenses.

I felt guilty for spending the money and I felt guilty for not showing up for my friends.

Is there space to spend money and not feel guilty? Of course.

Is there space to turn down a girls night in favor of saving a little? Of course.

But these were the things that often held me back from getting something concrete on the schedule.

Two shifts that freed me up to move towards my friends (AND MY BIGGEST WIN OF ALL):

#1. Viewing time with friends as essential

Not just a treat. Not just a good time. Not just a “break for me” in the chaos of my everyday life.

I started viewing my time with friends just like I would view drinking water daily, scheduling my annual check-up, and going to church.

We need each other way more than we often think we do – and it’s actually pretty arrogant to think that we can go it alone.

My friends are women who encourage me, support me, offer wisdom from differing perspectives, and challenge me in the best ways. My friends also allow me to practice the same things in their own lives.

Growth is forged as we practice being honest, showing up authentically, and giving and receiving grace.

In the face of the strong, independent woman trope, what we really need is to show up with our needs and draw on the strength of other women in our community.

#2. Creatively planning for no-expense get togethers

I started looking for ways I could be intentional to get time with friends during the course of my every-day life.

If we planned ahead, we could meet up and walk the track while our kids were at the same sports practice.

We could schedule an online coffee/lunch date via Zoom in the middle of our work days.

We could brew a pot of coffee at home and visit between school drop off and clock in for work.

AND HERE IS WHERE I DISCOVERED MY BIGGEST WIN OF ALL:

HIKING!!

For over a year now, I have made a point to make hiking a part of my regular routine – and to invite my friends along.

Here is why it has been such a win:

• We all say that we want to be more active – hiking checks that box
• There is no cost involved (other than driving to the location)
• It gets you outside in nature – proven to be grounding and healing
• Being outdoors provides a calm and quiet environment that is perfect for deep & private conversations
• There is safety in numbers and the chance to walk with a friend makes hiking in new places way more accessible than walking alone
• The weather provides a chance to do hard things with your friends ~ making it through a really cold, muddy, or rainy hike together makes for more memories than sitting in a coffee shop!
• It allows for a very “come as you are” mentality – no makeup, cute clothes, or styled hair required!

Now, let me be clear: when I say “hike,” I don’t mean that we are scaling a mountain or descending into the Grand Canyon. I live in Ohio where pretty much everything is fairly flat. What I do mean, is finding a MetroPark area, somewhere with trees or water, or maybe some of both. A place where bird calls are more prominent than traffic. A place where the wind through the trees breaks through your preoccupation and helps you stay present.

When I initially started asking my friends to meet me to hike, I was surprised at how enthusiastic they were to join me. I’m not surprised anymore.

As a bonus – do you know what I’ve also discovered? That women a few generations ahead of my own have been on this trend for a long time.

When I’m out on my hike, I often see groups of women chatting about life, walking together, staying fit & enjoying friendship. When I say we need to learn from all generations, this is the type of gold I’m after 🙂 Seeing those ladies gives me confidence that I am on to something here.

Friendships are essential to our physical health, our emotional well-being, and our personal growth.

This week, assess the health of your friendships, and carve out some time to invest in your friends!